Disclaimer: No idea where this one is going...

The thing I hate the most, is when people judge others. Especially based on circumstances they know nothing about. And on the other hand, if you live your life like an open book, telling everyone everything about you at first meeting... is that an open invitation to be judged? Does it make it okay?

To that one, I don't know the answer, I don't live my life that way. I don't divulge much to people. I don't let many people in. I have walls, and I know I have walls. I'm sorry for that. Actually, I'm not sorry for that at all. There's a reason they are there and for now, I'm sure, they will be staying there.

I might be an outgoing person, I might be fun, and talkative. But actually knowing me? Not the easiest feat to accomplish. Especially, especially when I am still trying to learn who I am.

I know, I'm a mom, and a wife. I know that. But there are so many more layers to me, layers that you don't know about, and you don't even see. (You is being used as a loose, general term, not specifically meaning one person.)

No, I don't like to party. I don't like to go out to bars a lot and do the young thing. Yes I like to have a few drinks now and then, and love to hang out with our friends, but even that is few and far between. I spend my time with my family, with my kids. I'm a home body. I like people to come to me. Is that selfish? I don't know, but it's true. I love the comfort of my own house, the opportunity to open the door and usher you out. Not in a rude way, but in a need for my own time. I enjoy hosting. I enjoy cooking for multitudes of people, no matter how much it stresses me out. I love a full house, the sound of laughter, the sound of fun. Being in my own element is what I crave, and I'm incredibly uncomfortable when I'm pulled away from that. I've always been like this. I bet you didn't know that did you?

Masks are a complex thing.

A friend just posted on Facebook that sometimes the social networking site makes you dwell too much on the past. And I believe it to be true. While a lot of my friends on there are married with children, a lot are not. A lot are living the college life, playing the dating game, partying, no schedules, no one to answer to, free.

Do I sometimes find my mind wondering what that would be like?
I do. I won't lie. Don't confuse wonder with wish. I don't, not for a second, wish to be walking in those shoes.

I married my husband one month after I graduated high school and didn't think twice. I didn't think about what I thought I might miss out on. What I did think about was that I was doing what I'd always wanted. To be married. To start a family. To be in love. I do need to be loved, I thrive on it. Am I co-dependant? Maybe. But that's okay with me. I had my future kids' names picked out from the time I was probably 12 or 13. Levi and Emma. Which you obviously know, I didn't get my way. tsk, tsk. I am doing what I wanted to do. I'm a woman, a homemaker, a wife, a mother.

And while I'm still trying to figure me out, I am damn proud of who I've become thus far, and wouldn't change it for a second.

I told you in the disclaimer, I had no idea where this was going... I was right ;o)

xoxo
k.